Woody Allen: "I have a new film coming out."
Everyone: "Is it about a man dating a younger woman?"
WA: "HOW DID YOU--INCREDIBLE."
— Jerr (@Jerradactyl) April 13, 2015
Just updated my phone. Is there REALLY still no burrito emoji?! Get it together, Apple.
— Jill Filipovic (@JillFilipovic) April 15, 2015
Fool me once, please, I will take literally any human interaction I can get.
— slaughthie (@slaughthie) April 16, 2015
Relationship status:
I just had a good cry in the shower because I'm an excellent multitasker.
— Goddess of Mischief (@ShanaRose21) April 16, 2015
I’m just looking for a dude who asks me how I am from time to time and knows my fave ice cream is Ben & Jerry’s Mint Chocolat Cookie.
— amelia (@xoamelia) April 17, 2015
u can take the girl out of the buffet but unless u check her purse/pockets for hidden jalapeño poppers, the buffet is going with the girl
— Colette McIntyre (@calledcolette) April 15, 2015
What's the opposite of "Free Hugs"? Whatever it is, that's what I give.
— Jena Friedman (@JenaFriedman) April 16, 2015
I wonder about what part of evolution led to me being too lazy to use the bathroom sometimes.
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) April 14, 2015
BITCH BETTA HAVE MY PILLS - me at Walgreens
— Heben Nigatu (@heavenrants) April 12, 2015
Ladies and gentlemen, it's boob sweat season
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) April 17, 2015
Have you noticed how people stop and take photos at farmers markets like they've never seen fresh produce before? Like calm down it's a pear
— NYC BLONDE (@NYC_Blonde) April 15, 2015
Idea: vending machines at all these new trampoline places, only for sports bras.
— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) April 17, 2015
The fact that I feel loyalty to Bank of America is absolutely terrifying
— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) April 16, 2015
An entire set just witness me take a giant pile of cilantro thinking it was salad. I can't put it back BUT I refuse to eat it.
— House Of Piazza (@MichellePiazza) April 15, 2015
Every time I have to say a "fun fact" about myself I realize how truly un-fun I am
— Nicole Conlan (@NicoleConlan) April 16, 2015
It's time for Facebook to change "People You May Know" to "People You Definitely Know and Are Actively Avoiding"
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) April 16, 2015
Doctor: do you have any allergies?
Me: Idk, I hate everything does that count?
— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) April 17, 2015
[at job interview]
"What's your greatest weakness?"
Yes
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) April 17, 2015
If I were Katniss I would've killed Peeta in the first minute of the first hunger games
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) April 17, 2015
Sorry, but if I get my hands on a time machine, I'm only going back 20 years to put sunscreen on.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 16, 2015
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
— molls (@MollySneed) April 17, 2015
Saw a huge spider the size of a walnut while I was taking a shower so I pulled off the curtain rod & pole vaulted myself into the hallway.
— Dosie Doe (@DosieDoe) April 16, 2015
Your time is precious and in limited supply.
Please waste some on me.
~ Twitter.
— The People's Goddess (@ShoutingGoddess) April 17, 2015
Choose your battles I tell myself as I give them string cheese for breakfast.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) April 17, 2015
Its like my coworkers don't get how gifted I really am in sarcasm.
— The_martinigirl (@The_MartiniGirl) April 15, 2015
Pizza tracker, but for wine delivery. STAT.
— The Eh Factor (@AngelaEhh) April 17, 2015 -- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
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